Despite using whisky instead of a lemon, too much sugar, and not simmering properly, I got what appears to be marmalade. OK, yes, it tastes more like golden syrup with a consistency to match, but I made it, and whatever it is, it tastes good on toast. 'tho not so good that I'll give any to people in the other flats to apologise for setting off the alarm so much.

Heckled a spammer too. This one seemed a cut above: it was translated into Italian, and it beat gmail spam detection which is pretty impressive. I like to try and match the feel of the original message, but haven't had a response until now.

I do not know you...

Trovo la tua e-mail su internet e ho voluto scrivere per voi.
Tu non sai di me ... e non so voi ... Ma ho fiducia nel destino e mi auguro che il destino, mi dia una possibilita ....
Voglio trovare un tipo, uomo onesto e intelligente.
Il mio nome - Elena. La mia eta- 26 years.It e difficile da dire su di me. Se questo e di alcun interesse a voi, scrivete a me
Mi auguro, vedo la vostra lettera al piu presto. Nel seguente lettera che ho a dire su di me e di inviare le mie foto. Scrivi sulla mia email personale ora scrivo con il lavoro e il mio capo non si sa in proposito. Cordiali saluti,
I find your email on internet and I wished to write to you.
You do not know me... and I do not know you... But I trust in destiny and I hope that destiny give me a chance....
I want to find a kind, honest and clever man.
My name - Elena. My age-26 years.It is difficult to tell about myself. If this is of any interest to you, write to me
I hope, I can see your letter soon. In the following letter I to tell about myself and send my photos. Write on my personal email now I write with the work and my chief does not know about it. Sincerely,

Ciao bella!
Your email it finds me.
Hope is only the love of life. And without hope where is destiny? and what is life?

I know nothing about you, and yet there is a familiarity within your words. I also am finding difficulty in talking about myself, and yet I feel you know me. I am 29, no it it is too soon, this cracked, winding path to my heart.

I await your response and cannot work until then.
Hello Beautiful!
La tua e-mail che trova me.
La speranza è solo l'amore per la vita. E senza speranza, dove è il destino? e ciò che è vita?
Non so nulla di te, e tuttavia c'è una familiarità entro le tue parole. Anch'io sto trovando difficoltà a parlare di me, eppure mi sento mi conosci. Sono 29, no, è troppo presto, questo cracking, tortuosa strada al mio cuore.
Attendo le vostre risposte e non può lavorare fino ad allora.

Hi Jamie!! I have received your letter!! Certainly, it not a correct way of acquaintance. But I to trust in destiny. It is very original - to write it to the stranger. I to send the picture! If it was pleasant to you, if you to wish to continue acquaintance to answer me!!
Not to worry, I opened for dialogue.
If to you to like, I with pleasure will tell about myself and to send new pictures.
I will wait. Kisses Elena 

The English isn't as good in the second email, and it's pretty much the same email but in a different style. I love the phrase 'I opened for dialogue'. I checked the email address on google, no hits, but the domain is Russian, and I went into a flight of fancy about the Russian mafia googling me and finding where I live! Ridiculous, I know, but I didn't reply, and I've removed the user part of her email address.

Ach I say 'her' but it could be some guy who wrote those. Or maybe I'm just cynical, and have ruined my chances with Elena.

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